Dugang Jokes

Niay dugang pakatawa gikan ni bai Marcio.
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Security: Excuse me po Lola, titingnan ko lang ang bag nyo kung may BARIL.
Matanda: Buang ka! …dili man gani maigo ang BALDI sa akong bag.. BARIL pa kaha?

Anak: Itay, ano po ba ang pagkakaiba ng COMPLETE at FINISHED?
Itay: Anak, kapag tama ang mapangasawa mo, then you're COMPLETE. Kapag mali naman, FINISHED ka na! Ha ha ha!

Anak: Tay, unsa man nang misa de gallo?
Tatay: Ah, kana gung mosayo kag mata, unya adto dayon sa simbahan aron matulog.. :'(

Juan: Kulang pliti nato, singko ra ni.
Pedro: Libat bitaw ng driver, mo dyis lagi na!
Juan: Pliti nong!
Driver: Oops kuwang ni!
Juan: Dyis baya na nong!
Driver: Upat baya mo!

Pahibalo: Ayaw mo ug tuo dayon sa mga text messages. Just keep track of the events in official news. Dili tinuod nga artista na ko. Ga hunahuna pa ko.

Buloy: Toy, unsa may diperencia sa CO2 ug H2O?
Bitoy: Sus Ginoo! Diin man diay ka pagtudlo ana nato sa high school? Kanang CO2 cold water, ang H2O hot water. BOGO!

Waiter: Unsay order nimo, Ma'am?
Ma'am: Fried chicken meal. Ikaw inday, unsay imo?
Maid: Sautéed pork boiled in thick essence of cane extracts with copious amounts of garlic, sprinkled generously with fine spices and served with a generous helping of root crops and a helping of rice.
Ma'am: Dong, adobo with rice na iya.

Pare # 1: Bakit ang layo ng tingin mo? Anong problema?
Pare # 2: Nanaginip ako na napaligiran ako nga 50 ka contestants ng Miss Universe 2008!!
Pare # 1: Swerte mo pare, ano ang problema doon?
Pare # 2: Ako daw ang nanalo!!!

If you love someone, set him free. If he comes back, nakalimutan mo siyang bigyan ng pamasahe. If he doesn't, sundan mo, wala yung pamasahe pabalik!!

Melanisms of Ms. Melanie Marquez:

1. I won't stoop down to my level.
2. Bakit ang dami mong tanong? You're so questionable!
3. Sumasakit ang migraine ko.
4. I don't eat meat. I'm not a carnival.
5. Ang tatay ko ang only living legend na buhay.
6. That's why I'm a success. I don't middle in other people's lives.
7. Englishin ko na. And to you Mrs. Dee, I have 2 words…ang labo mo!!!
8. You can fool me once, twice, even thrice but you can never me fool me four!


ISKO: Gubot kaayo akong kinabuhi.
PAENG: Ngano man?
ISKO: Tan-awa ra gud.. Naminyo ko sa byuda nga may anak dalaga. Gipakaslan pud ni tatay ang anak. Nanay na nuon nako ang dalaga, ug si tatay akong anak. Ang asawa nako, ugangan ni tatay, kung manganak sila, lolo ko sa akong igsoon. Waaahh!!! Gubota!!!

Cheaters

Awhile ago i was watching DSTV, while attempting (or pretending) to cook pork adobo.
By the way, since i can't find the usual adobo mix, i used toyo (soy sauce) and vinegar. then i tried to scrounge for some leftover ingredients that might have been left by another filipino in the house.

I saw a package marked "Clover", so i thot it might be a good ingerident, so i threw in generous amount.

Then i saw round blacks things which i thot to be "paminta", so i took some and threw on my adobo... and then when the pot started to boil, to my horror, it smelled like hell. those black things were indian ingredients and were giving what i suspect as saffron smell. shit. the kitchen smelled like a burnt prayer stick... well, whatever those things are, it's already cooking. i'm bound to eat my mistake... ugghhh..

Since it's adobo, i decided to watch TV to while away the time. I tuned to the Zone Reality channel. i like the channel because it has no commercial break, believe you me. I first saw the program "medical detectives". it's about use of medical forensic to investigate crime.
then came the next program, titled, Cheaters..

Yes, that's correct. Cheaters.

It's about investigating cheating spouses, or partners or lovers (GF/BF). You know, there is this group called Cheaters Investigations. And they handle surveillance against a suspected erring spouse or lover using sophisticated surveillance equipment third only to the CIA and FBI.
The host, a Mr. Greeco (i forgot his first name, but no, his last name is really Greeco, not Roman. geez), interviews "the complainant" and the reason why they sent e-mail to our C.I. to investigate if his/her spouse/lover is doing "other" things.

The first "client" was a 22 year old Latina, pregnant at 8 mos. and married her 27 year old BF. After they live together, the partner suddenly lost interest in her and oftentimes stayed out late, even on weekends. since she is going to give birth pretty soon, she wants to know what it is his cold husband is busy doing that he can't spend anymore time with her.

So surveillance started and before long, the guy was seen meeting with a chubby lady and dating her every night and staying at the lady's apartment. on one of the surveillance, while the husband was with the paramour, the wife called to ask where he is. Husband said he is on his job and kinda busy right now. The call was recorded.

After a week, Mr. Greeco met with the wife and showed her videos of surveillance. He then asked the wife if she would like a confrontation so that she and her husband would come into terms. But considering her advance pregnancy, Mr. Grecco reminded her it might complicate her situation. But the young wife said she's going to do it. Tee-deng!

So they waited at the parking lot while her husband and the other lady were having dinner. then, as the two lovers get into the guy's car, the wife came over and --- scandal on the parking light. cuss words, wife slap husband. husband don't what to speak. other girl shouting to the wife (what the f***) -- at least 4 cameras and lights focusing on the couple and on the fleeing paramour (protesting her innocence, that guy said he is single). cameras chasing the other girl and another camera on the spouses. Mr. Greeco and his bodyguards made it sure the husband can't do any physical harm to his young wife.

The twist is that, the young wife, broke her water bag (ikaw ba naman buntis ma tension like that) and proceeded to labor pains. CI crew and Mr. Greeco helped her into the CI van and they called 911. she was moaning saying that the baby is coming out... soon, 911 came right in time and she promptly delivered a baby boy, right inside the van. wow... how real can that be..
well, to make the long story short, the husband apologized to her and on TV about his misdeeds.

And young wife, crying, forgave him. Happy ending...

Reminds me of The Buzz.. hahahaha...

Weekend Chef - Operation Adobo...

When you are alone (as in you are also the ONLY Filipino in the house), a lot of crazy things come to your mind. As for me, it is weekends that makes me do crazy things. Before, i'd drag my international housemates to the beach. But since we realize this is one dangerous place to go 'beaching', we decided a shopping in Shoprite or ParknShop in VI will do the trick.

I was watching Kylie Kwong on BBC Food and her seemingly simple, quick but delicious Chinese cuisine makes me wanna go home. I miss that Mandarin Chinese Restaurant in Cagayan de Oro. The chicken feet, the quail eggs and shark fin siomai dumplings, mixed vegetable toppings with quail eggs.

So, i lately discovered we had a kitchen. Becoz we have no cook on Sunday (day-off), we will be the ones cooking our foods for the day. Those who don't know how cook, they ask the chef to cook foods for them enough for 3 days (or even a week).

So now, i am one guy who gets tired easily of one dish. And since i recovered from malaria, i have lost appetite for African dishes (which i used to love a lot in my first 2 months). I like to cook in small quantity so i can have variations in menu everyday.

In my cupboard, I have Noodles (called Indomie), yam (gabi), cooking oil, salt, sugar, soy sauce, vinegar, margarine, camote, irish potato, black peppers, garlic, ginger, olive oil, Nido, Nescafe, and jasmin rice (from thailand). In my part of the fridge, i have eggs, butter, assorted veggies (baguio beans, cabbage, cucumber, onion, tomato, cauliflower, ampalaya (bitter gourd), talong (garden egg or aubergine), alugbati (african spinach), green peppers, dried red peppers and carrots), dried bagoong mix (given by a pinoy friend), and plain youghurt. I also have one loaf of slice bread. Meat would be chicken (wings), pork (chop and stew size), cow liver, chicken gizzard, and beef (cube lean meat or stir-fry cut). Occasionaly i'd buy goat meat and lamb meat.

My morning menu is usually Filipino. Eggs cook sunny-side up or scrambled in either fried rice or plain rice (toasted bread once in a while). When i get tired of eggs, i cook the ampalaya (ginisang ampalaya at itlog). As they say, eating ampalaya is an acquired taste. Then when i have talong, i broil (sugba) the eggplant and when it is peeled and cooked, i flatten it with a fork and then add it to a scrambled egg. Then toss it into a wok. I like my 'tortang talong' well done -- medyo sunog. I'll wash it off with coffee with milk/sugar. Ha! my housemates can only watch in amusement on what i can do with these veggies. :-D

Lunch and Dinner will usually be the same -- meat. This is where i got the inspiration to write this blog.

I wanted to cook adobo but can't remember how to do it. SO i searched the net (on a sunday) for a recipe. I am not good into translating recipe, but this is how i did my adobo. ta-da!!

My ingredients:

(10) cuts of pork stew meat (with fat)
half teaspoon Black pepper (ground)
1 clove Garlic, pounded
3 pieces Onions, rounded-sliced
1 tablespoon Brown Sugar
1/2 cup Vinegar (depends how much meat you use)
1 tablespoon Soy Sauce

How i cook it:

- Boil the pork for 30 mins. Then throw the water of the first boil.
- Put the pork back into casserole.
- Throw in the garlic, black pepper and half of the onion.
- Add vinegar , sugar and soy sauce. Add little water. Boil for 30 mins.
- Once in a while, stir the contents to mix the ingredients. Add water as necessary.

The meat should turn to golden brown. Add the remaining onions. Stir to mix.

When there is little water, turn off the stove and let it simmer and the remaining water will have a 'syrupy' consistency.

Done!

I did not bother to taste while i was cooking it. I was too worried i may not like the taste.

Since my housemates are Buddhist (no meat) and Muslim (labaw!), i cannot ask them to taste-test my obra. i just have to assume i cook it right. i just have to assume i cook it right.

And yes, it was good.

Really.

Next time, i will write about my chicken gizzard menu.