Christmas and New Year Quotes

CHRISTMAS ----------------
Christmas gift suggestions:

To your enemy, forgiveness.
To an opponent, tolerance.
To a friend, your heart.
To a customer, service.
To all, charity.
To every child, a good example.
To yourself, respect.
- Oren Arnold

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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
- W. C. Fields

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From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.
- Katharine Whitehorn

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Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times.
- Kate L. Bosher

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NEW YEAR -------------


The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.
- P.J. O'Rourke

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Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.
- Mark Twain

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People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
- Author Unknown

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But can one still make resolutions when one is over forty? I live according to twenty-year-old habits.
- Andre Gide

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I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.
- Anais Nin
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May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!
- Joey Adams

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New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.
- Mark Twain

Dugang Jokes

Niay dugang pakatawa gikan ni bai Marcio.
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Security: Excuse me po Lola, titingnan ko lang ang bag nyo kung may BARIL.
Matanda: Buang ka! …dili man gani maigo ang BALDI sa akong bag.. BARIL pa kaha?

Anak: Itay, ano po ba ang pagkakaiba ng COMPLETE at FINISHED?
Itay: Anak, kapag tama ang mapangasawa mo, then you're COMPLETE. Kapag mali naman, FINISHED ka na! Ha ha ha!

Anak: Tay, unsa man nang misa de gallo?
Tatay: Ah, kana gung mosayo kag mata, unya adto dayon sa simbahan aron matulog.. :'(

Juan: Kulang pliti nato, singko ra ni.
Pedro: Libat bitaw ng driver, mo dyis lagi na!
Juan: Pliti nong!
Driver: Oops kuwang ni!
Juan: Dyis baya na nong!
Driver: Upat baya mo!

Pahibalo: Ayaw mo ug tuo dayon sa mga text messages. Just keep track of the events in official news. Dili tinuod nga artista na ko. Ga hunahuna pa ko.

Buloy: Toy, unsa may diperencia sa CO2 ug H2O?
Bitoy: Sus Ginoo! Diin man diay ka pagtudlo ana nato sa high school? Kanang CO2 cold water, ang H2O hot water. BOGO!

Waiter: Unsay order nimo, Ma'am?
Ma'am: Fried chicken meal. Ikaw inday, unsay imo?
Maid: Sautéed pork boiled in thick essence of cane extracts with copious amounts of garlic, sprinkled generously with fine spices and served with a generous helping of root crops and a helping of rice.
Ma'am: Dong, adobo with rice na iya.

Pare # 1: Bakit ang layo ng tingin mo? Anong problema?
Pare # 2: Nanaginip ako na napaligiran ako nga 50 ka contestants ng Miss Universe 2008!!
Pare # 1: Swerte mo pare, ano ang problema doon?
Pare # 2: Ako daw ang nanalo!!!

If you love someone, set him free. If he comes back, nakalimutan mo siyang bigyan ng pamasahe. If he doesn't, sundan mo, wala yung pamasahe pabalik!!

Melanisms of Ms. Melanie Marquez:

1. I won't stoop down to my level.
2. Bakit ang dami mong tanong? You're so questionable!
3. Sumasakit ang migraine ko.
4. I don't eat meat. I'm not a carnival.
5. Ang tatay ko ang only living legend na buhay.
6. That's why I'm a success. I don't middle in other people's lives.
7. Englishin ko na. And to you Mrs. Dee, I have 2 words…ang labo mo!!!
8. You can fool me once, twice, even thrice but you can never me fool me four!


ISKO: Gubot kaayo akong kinabuhi.
PAENG: Ngano man?
ISKO: Tan-awa ra gud.. Naminyo ko sa byuda nga may anak dalaga. Gipakaslan pud ni tatay ang anak. Nanay na nuon nako ang dalaga, ug si tatay akong anak. Ang asawa nako, ugangan ni tatay, kung manganak sila, lolo ko sa akong igsoon. Waaahh!!! Gubota!!!

Extra Marital affairs..

The 1st Affair :

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside andrub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.""You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?

"The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening thefront door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder."Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 4th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and abottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 5th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, yourbest friend, her best friend, and our neighbor!"

"I know, I know," she replied.. "Now just rest and let the poison work."